Sad and Frazzled and Sleepy

My life is in a little bit of chaos. My bed’s not made, I’m up too late, and there are termites falling from the ceiling. I’m sitting down to write a blog that’s supposed to be posted tomorrow morning—whoops.

This week, I can’t help but think that all this external messiness—the business and clutter and haphazardness—is a fitting metaphor for my internal state.

I’m a feeler according to Myers-Briggs, but I have trouble naming and even recognizing my emotions. Sometimes I don’t realize they’re there until I feel completely overwhelmed.

Like this week.

This week has been a bit of a perfect storm; a series of small annoyances and negatives that have dragged me down without me noticing. Nothing’s ostensibly wrong—I couldn’t point to any horrible event in my life at the moment (aside from the termites), and so it snuck up on me.

Loneliness. I think every 20-something goes through it. It’s inevitable. We leave the familiar behind when we move into our own lives. And no one tells you how hard it is to make friends (or keep them) as an adult.

So I’m a bit of a mess. I’ve been stressed out at work and putting off my responsibilities. I’d rather crawl into bed than finish the rest of this post.

BUT instead of giving up and going to sleep (and because every good blog needs a volta, a narrative arc), let’s talk about being kind to ourselves.

In high school, I was cruel to myself. I told myself things I would never tell another person, dark things that dragged me down and took me to a place I never want to visit again.

Somehow, some way, I grew out of that mindset. Don’t ask me how—maybe it was because my brain grew closer to maturity, escaping from those still-evolving teenage years.

In any case, my mind is a much calmer place these days. I’m still a pessimist, so it’s not always rainbows and sunshine, but it’s worlds away from where I was 10 years ago. (Was I really 14 years old 10 years ago?!)

What I’m getting at is this: my week, this downer of a week, would be so much worse if I weren’t being kind to myself. I have the tools now to help balance my mood—meditation, breathing techniques, prayer, and of course, being kind to myself.

I have the language to be kind to myself now; I know how to cut myself some slack and pick myself up when I feel low.

Mostly this post is about the gratitude I feel for that change. The gratitude I feel that I’m not trapped in that diseased high school mindset. The gratitude I feel that I can write this imperfect post—and move on with my life.

Because no one is perfect. No one gets it right. We mess up, and act selfishly, and feel sad or lonely, or slack off at work. And we must be kind to ourselves.

So this is it, guys—this is me, writing whilst feeling sad and frazzled and sleepy. This is what my life is like today, without any gloss or filters or Photoshop.

For me, it’s enough.

And now—to sleep. 🙂

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