Feat. Three Almost-Lovers* and Six One-Night Stands
0.5) The High School Boyfriend*
1) The Gentle Nerd
2) The BIG MISTAKE
3) The Sociopath (Also a Mistake)
4) The Hot Former High School Classmate (One-Night Stand #1)
4.5) The Sleazy Actor*
5) The Ear Mauler (One-Night Stand #2)
5.5) The One Who Acts Straight When He’s Super Drunk*
6) The Greek Statue Incarnate
7) The Angry Hippie
8) The Sweet Sailor
9) Tall Intellectual Viking Triathlete
10) Hot Circus Boy #1: The Shady One
11) The Scruffy Seafarer
12) Prince of Peach
13) The Whiny Irishman
14) Aquaman
15) The Younger Summer Fling
16) Marine #1: The Young, Sweet One
17) The Wild One I’ll Always Miss
18) Mr. Wishy-Washy
19) Marine #2: The Off-Limits One (One-Night Stand #3)
20) Marine #3: The Annoying One
21) Marine #4: The Southern Boy (One-Night Stand #4)
22) The Flaky Nerd with the Great Dog
23) Hot Circus Boy #2: The Underwhelming One (One-Night Stand #5)
24) The Hometown Christmastime Rendezvous
25) The One with SO MANY FEELINGS
26) Stage-5 Clinger Lumberjack (One-Night Stand #6)
27) The Chill Stoner
28) The One I Tried to Impress with my Cocktail-Making Skills (I Think It Worked)
0.5) The High School Boyfriend*
My first love
My first heartbreak
The wound healed quickly
And so well there is no scar
1) The Gentle Nerd
Thank you
For giving me a first time
That was everything I wanted
And fully my decision
2) The BIG MISTAKE
I was young
and so naive
You were not.
When I said no,
you kept pushing
You never respected
my decisions
Made me the
other woman
Kept me a
Secret
And still swore your
Love to me
I believed you.
I was so deep in it
It took me years to realize
how miserable I’d become
and how fucked up it was.
I have freed myself
But I’ll never forgive you.
3) The Sociopath (Also a Mistake)
Are human beings just
Playthings
to you? You
Lied and
Twisted and
Warped and
Manipulated and
Cheated
Ripped me apart from the inside out.
I tried to warn the others
The ones who thought you were
Their friend
They were too drunk on your Kool-Aid
They ignored me.
4) The Hot Former High School Classmate (One-Night Stand #1)
You were popular in high school
I was a late bloomer
We probably both never thought this would happen
Lol
4.5) The Sleazy Actor*
Despite your charm
I smelled your bullshit
It was pretty weird when
You sucked on my toes
Or that one time I licked
Your girlfriend’s nipple
5) The Ear Mauler (One-Night Stand #2)
Bringer of breakfast burritos,
You liked my butt
I was desperate
So drunk, so bad
(PSA: ask a lady FIRST before you choke her forcefully)
Scabby earlobe in the morning
Literally the worst
5.5) The One Who Acts Straight When He’s Super Drunk*
We were wasted
You wanted to go down on me
You were pretty good
Even for a gay guy
6) The Greek Statue Incarnate
A 6’5” delicious tower of muscle
UNNFFF!!!
You tossed me around like your shot put
And put the hammer in hammer throw
(Bonus points for being nice AND a nerd)
7) The Angry Hippie
Vanilla oil and massages
(I always was a sucker for a good massage)
You, always shirtless
Always drinking your maté
Angrily
Calm down, dude
8) The Sweet Sailor
Your warm, playful eyes swept me off my feet
And I drank in your joy like it had been years
since I’d had a cool, clear glass of water.
Your smile, your affection, so tangible and full of life.
The ship, the sea, salt, sand, sun, you.
It was perfect.
You helped me heal, and I learned that
I should never be a secret.
9) Tall Intellectual Viking Triathlete
I find it funny
how shy we both were
sitting on the quarterdeck
talking late into the night
getting drunker and drunker
until one of us was finally
brave enough to make a move.
A night with you is always
A pleasure
You make me feel safe and comfortable
And I love your
BIG, THROBBING
intellect
10) Hot Circus Boy #1: The Shady One
You’re uber-hot, and sweet
But don’t ask me to hook up with you
Just to get back at your girlfriend
11) The Scruffy Seafarer
Always mischievous
Like that one time
On the ship
In your cabin
In the pitch-blackness
With my head on your chest
You croaked:
“BABADOOK-DOOK-DOOOOOOOK”
12) Prince of Peach
O Captain, my Captain,
You always get my weird wants
and yours are hot to me too
Down for anything
Up for everything
Matching hunger and playfulness
With a dash of danger and romance
Never judgment or jealousy,
just “Oh yeah? Tell me more,”
a twinkle in our eyes.
I can’t wait for our next rendezvous weekend,
But in the meantime, text me, sexy
13) The Whiny Irishman
At first you were clever and witty
You told me my kitty was pretty
But the pout on your face every time I’d need space?
I dumped you without any pity
14) Aquaman
You conjured rain
In your living room
15) The Younger Summer Fling
For the sake of all the women
You’ll ever hook up with
I had to teach you
Jon Snow’s best cave trick
16) Marine #1: The Young, Sweet One
Dating you was fun.
I genuinely wish you the best.
Sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable
17) The Wild One I’ll Always Miss
An unexpected friendship
And unexpected chemistry
Exhilarating, electric
The warmth in your eyes, your soul
Your hands
We found a unique solace in each other
Acceptance, no judgment
Freedom to be human
A wholeness as we were
You became one of my best friends.
I’ll love you forever,
And I’ll never forget how you loved me.
The way you held me so closely,
So tightly.
If I concentrate
If I let myself
I can almost feel you again.
You adored that motorcycle.
I always found it fitting
That you died on it.
18) Mr. Wishy-Washy
Remember how
on New Year’s Day
you didn’t recall much
So I had to tell you
how we dominated in beer pong
And how you ended up
in my bed?
19) Marine #2: The Off-Limits One (One-Night Stand #3)
Your wife asked me to flirt with you
It’s not my fault neither of you
Told me your rules
20) Marine #3: The Annoying One
I mostly remember
How surprised and disappointed I was
When our second (and last) night
Was so much more awkward than the first
21) Marine #4: The Southern Boy (One-Night Stand #4)
You’re the only stranger
I’ve ever invited over
Just for a booty call
And it went MUCH better
Than I expected.
You were sweet
But not TOO sweet
10/10
22) The Flaky Nerd with the Great Dog
How DARE you just
GHOST me
After the connection we had
And then come back
TWICE
First to tell me I complicated your feelings
For someone else
Then to try to cheat with me.
I wasn’t tempted by your
Delicious freakiness
After I realized how shady you are.
Figure your shit out, man
23) Hot Circus Boy #2: The Underwhelming One (One-Night Stand #5)
With your muscles
and sheer athleticism
I would have expected something
at least a LITTLE bit exciting
24) The Hometown Christmastime Rendezvous
“I hope you don’t mind my sexual A.D.D.,”
you said, in the motel room we
sheepishly checked into and out of.
I didn’t mind.
At ALL.
It was fun!
25) The One with SO MANY FEELINGS
A whirlwind romantic thing,
You made me feel like magic
But after only a month
Of “hanging out,” when I told you
I didn’t want to date you
And you bawled in your car on your way home
I knew that was it for me
26) Stage-5 Clinger Lumberjack (One-Night Stand #6)
YOU TOLD YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY ABOUT ME
AFTER ONLY ONE NIGHT
And texted me nonstop
And wanted to “keep” me?!?
How does that not seem like too much to you??
27) The Chill Stoner
You probably liked me
a little too much
But hanging with you
was so low-key and nice
Except you’re really into your
“multi-level marketing” scheme
And you think alchemy
is REAL SCIENCE
WHAT
28) The One I Tried to Impress with my Cocktail Making Skills (I Think It Worked)
Please text me
I want to have fun with you again
But this time with the lights on
Alexa Nunes
Alexa is a creative mover and craft cocktail slinger currently residing in Orange County, CA. She misses real storms and sailing tall ships and can also lick her elbow (don’t try this at home). You can find her on Instagram as @foxylexy and on Twitter as @tsunamibutt (though she rarely tweets).