A List of (Mostly Ex) Lovers

Feat. Three Almost-Lovers* and Six One-Night Stands

0.5) The High School Boyfriend*
1) The Gentle Nerd
2) The BIG MISTAKE
3) The Sociopath (Also a Mistake)
4) The Hot Former High School Classmate (One-Night Stand #1)
4.5) The Sleazy Actor*
5) The Ear Mauler (One-Night Stand #2)
5.5) The One Who Acts Straight When He’s Super Drunk*
6) The Greek Statue Incarnate
7) The Angry Hippie
8) The Sweet Sailor
9) Tall Intellectual Viking Triathlete
10) Hot Circus Boy #1: The Shady One
11) The Scruffy Seafarer
12) Prince of Peach
13) The Whiny Irishman
14) Aquaman
15) The Younger Summer Fling
16) Marine #1: The Young, Sweet One
17) The Wild One I’ll Always Miss
18) Mr. Wishy-Washy
19) Marine #2: The Off-Limits One (One-Night Stand #3)
20) Marine #3: The Annoying One
21) Marine #4: The Southern Boy (One-Night Stand #4)
22) The Flaky Nerd with the Great Dog
23) Hot Circus Boy #2: The Underwhelming One (One-Night Stand #5)
24) The Hometown Christmastime Rendezvous
25) The One with SO MANY FEELINGS
26) Stage-5 Clinger Lumberjack (One-Night Stand #6)
27) The Chill Stoner
28) The One I Tried to Impress with my Cocktail-Making Skills (I Think It Worked)

 

0.5) The High School Boyfriend*

My first love

My first heartbreak

The wound healed quickly

And so well there is no scar

 

1) The Gentle Nerd

Thank you

For giving me a first time

That was everything I wanted

And fully my decision

 

2) The BIG MISTAKE

I was young

and so naive

You were not.

When I said no,

you kept pushing

You never respected

my decisions

Made me the

other woman

Kept me a

Secret

And still swore your

Love to me

I believed you.

I was so deep in it

It took me years to realize

how miserable I’d become

and how fucked up it was.

I have freed myself

But I’ll never forgive you.

 

3) The Sociopath (Also a Mistake)

Are human beings just

Playthings

to you? You

Lied and

Twisted and

Warped and

Manipulated and

Cheated

Ripped me apart from the inside out.

I tried to warn the others

The ones who thought you were

Their friend

They were too drunk on your Kool-Aid

They ignored me.

 

4) The Hot Former High School Classmate (One-Night Stand #1)

You were popular in high school

I was a late bloomer

We probably both never thought this would happen

Lol

 

4.5)  The Sleazy Actor*

Despite your charm

I smelled your bullshit

It was pretty weird when

You sucked on my toes

Or that one time I licked

Your girlfriend’s nipple

 

5) The Ear Mauler (One-Night Stand #2)

Bringer of breakfast burritos,

You liked my butt

I was desperate

So drunk, so bad

(PSA: ask a lady FIRST before you choke her forcefully)

Scabby earlobe in the morning

Literally the worst

 

5.5)  The One Who Acts Straight When He’s Super Drunk*

We were wasted

You wanted to go down on me

You were pretty good

Even for a gay guy

 

6) The Greek Statue Incarnate

A 6’5” delicious tower of muscle

UNNFFF!!!

You tossed me around like your shot put

And put the hammer in hammer throw

(Bonus points for being nice AND a nerd)

 

7) The Angry Hippie

Vanilla oil and massages

(I always was a sucker for a good massage)

You, always shirtless

Always drinking your maté

Angrily

Calm down, dude

 

8) The Sweet Sailor

Your warm, playful eyes swept me off my feet

And I drank in your joy like it had been years

since I’d had a cool, clear glass of water.

Your smile, your affection, so tangible and full of life.

The ship, the sea, salt, sand, sun, you.

It was perfect.

You helped me heal, and I learned that

I should never be a secret.

 

9) Tall Intellectual Viking Triathlete

I find it funny

how shy we both were

sitting on the quarterdeck

talking late into the night

getting drunker and drunker

until one of us was finally

brave enough to make a move.

A night with you is always

A pleasure

You make me feel safe and comfortable

And I love your

BIG, THROBBING

intellect

 

10) Hot Circus Boy #1: The Shady One

You’re uber-hot, and sweet

But don’t ask me to hook up with you

Just to get back at your girlfriend

 

11) The Scruffy Seafarer

Always mischievous

Like that one time

On the ship

In your cabin

In the pitch-blackness

With my head on your chest

You croaked:

“BABADOOK-DOOK-DOOOOOOOK”

 

12) Prince of Peach

O Captain, my Captain,

You always get my weird wants

and yours are hot to me too

Down for anything

Up for everything

Matching hunger and playfulness

With a dash of danger and romance

Never judgment or jealousy,

just “Oh yeah? Tell me more,”

a twinkle in our eyes.

I can’t wait for our next rendezvous weekend,

But in the meantime, text me, sexy

 

13) The Whiny Irishman

At first you were clever and witty

You told me my kitty was pretty

But the pout on your face every time I’d need space?

I dumped you without any pity

 

14) Aquaman

You conjured rain

In your living room

 

15) The Younger Summer Fling

For the sake of all the women

You’ll ever hook up with

I had to teach you

Jon Snow’s best cave trick

 

16) Marine #1: The Young, Sweet One

Dating you was fun.

I genuinely wish you the best.

Sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable

17) The Wild One I’ll Always Miss

An unexpected friendship

And unexpected chemistry

Exhilarating, electric

The warmth in your eyes, your soul

Your hands

We found a unique solace in each other

Acceptance, no judgment

Freedom to be human

A wholeness as we were

You became one of my best friends.

I’ll love you forever,

And I’ll never forget how you loved me.

The way you held me so closely,

So tightly.

If I concentrate

If I let myself

I can almost feel you again.

You adored that motorcycle.

I always found it fitting

That you died on it.

 

18) Mr. Wishy-Washy

Remember how

on New Year’s Day

you didn’t recall much

So I had to tell you

how we dominated in beer pong

And how you ended up

in my bed?

 

19) Marine #2: The Off-Limits One (One-Night Stand #3)

Your wife asked me to flirt with you

It’s not my fault neither of you

Told me your rules

 

20) Marine #3: The Annoying One

I mostly remember

How surprised and disappointed I was

When our second (and last) night

Was so much more awkward than the first

 

21) Marine #4: The Southern Boy (One-Night Stand #4)

You’re the only stranger

I’ve ever invited over

Just for a booty call

And it went MUCH better

Than I expected.

You were sweet

But not TOO sweet

10/10

 

22) The Flaky Nerd with the Great Dog

How DARE you just

GHOST me

After the connection we had

And then come back

TWICE

First to tell me I complicated your feelings

For someone else

Then to try to cheat with me.

I wasn’t tempted by your

Delicious freakiness

After I realized how shady you are.

Figure your shit out, man

 

23) Hot Circus Boy #2: The Underwhelming One (One-Night Stand #5)

With your muscles

and sheer athleticism

I would have expected something

at least a LITTLE bit exciting

 

24) The Hometown Christmastime Rendezvous

“I hope you don’t mind my sexual A.D.D.,”

you said, in the motel room we

sheepishly checked into and out of.

I didn’t mind.

At ALL.

It was fun!

 

25) The One with SO MANY FEELINGS

A whirlwind romantic thing,

You made me feel like magic

But after only a month

Of “hanging out,” when I told you

I didn’t want to date you

And you bawled in your car on your way home

I knew that was it for me

 

26) Stage-5 Clinger Lumberjack (One-Night Stand #6)

YOU TOLD YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY ABOUT ME

AFTER ONLY ONE NIGHT

And texted me nonstop

And wanted to “keep” me?!?

How does that not seem like too much to you??

 

27) The Chill Stoner

You probably liked me

a little too much

But hanging with you

was so low-key and nice

Except you’re really into your

“multi-level marketing” scheme

And you think alchemy

is REAL SCIENCE

WHAT

 

28) The One I Tried to Impress with my Cocktail Making Skills (I Think It Worked)

Please text me

I want to have fun with you again

But this time with the lights on


Alexa Nunes

Alexa is a creative mover and craft cocktail slinger currently residing in Orange County, CA. She misses real storms and sailing tall ships and can also lick her elbow (don’t try this at home). You can find her on Instagram as @foxylexy and on Twitter as @tsunamibutt (though she rarely tweets).

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